A fear of happiness

Do you ever feel like being too happy will jinx you somehow?

During our struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss I would try not to get too excited about any progress made, because it seemed like everytime I did something would happen to take it all away. Each positive pregnancy test was followed by excitement and then quickly by intense fear. It is hard, so very hard to to get past this feeling.

I’m afraid to be too happy. Like something is going to find out and come crash our party.

I’m going to say it… life is good right now (cringe).

This pregnancy is going so well. I haven’t had any complications or major scares. Especially once we passed the first trimester. I feel the baby move every day and it provides reassurance about his existance. I am fairly confident that come the end of November/beginning of December we will have another sweet boy in our arms.

Our quest to adopt Finch is moving along. We have been incredibly blessed with such a wonderful, beautiful son. It’s seems so surreal sometimes.

I don’t want to temper our joy. I want to experience it deeply and fully. How do I move past the fear and learn to trust that life isn’t out to get me?

16 weeks, 0 days

Today marks 16 weeks! Every week I am amazed that I’ve made it this far. We heard the heartbeat at my dr. appointment last week… all is still well with our little bean. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this previously, but at the 13 week ultrasound appointment, I was officially diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder. It may account for at least some of our previous losses. It also means that I will be on blood thinners (Lovenox) until I deliver. While I don’t enjoy the daily injection, it is a small price to pay. I am thankful to finally have some confirmation and a treatment plan.

Aside from being labeled “high risk” and requiring dr. appointments every two weeks, this pregnancy has been pretty uneventful so far. I feel pretty good. I’m still a little low energy, but not nearly what I was in the first trimester. My belly is starting to get bigger and hopefully I’ll start to feel movement soon! We have the anatomy scan in 4 weeks and are anxious to find out gender.

We are also very much enjoying our first sweet bundle. Finch is doing awesome and we are completely smitten with him. He really couldn’t be any cuter. Life is good and I am so, so grateful.

I think a lot about how far we’ve come and where I was just a few short months ago. I know that I am lucky. Infertility and loss is something that I don’t think will ever leave me. I still remember the years of heartbreak and the wondering if it was ever going to happen. And I will never forget how truly close I was to giving up. Obviously, I feel like it was worth it. I wouldn’t trade Finch for anything in the world. But I am having to come to terms with the fact that I am a different person than I was before infertility. Somehow I thought that “winning the war” would erase all that has happened, but it doesn’t. So now I am getting to know myself again. The me that has gone through the struggle and the grief and come out the other side. I hope that I am a better person for it.

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