Well, hello.

Hello, friends. There are no words to describe how busy I have been. I knew that school would add a new element of crazy to my life, but I really had no idea what my baby becoming a toddler (2 toddlers!) would do. These kids are bananas, and I am one tired Mama.

Life is good, though. Really, really good.

I feel like school has changed me. It has opened me up in so many ways. Between the fog of new motherhood and the years of struggle to become a parent, I feel like I am finally starting to crack open the shell that has been surrounding me for so long. Much of that has to do with the program I am in at school.

For those that don’t know, I returned to finish my Bachelors degree after so many years of starting and stopping. I am close now. I plan on going on to get a Masters in psychology. Probably counseling of some kind. The year long program I am currently taking has required a lot of self examination, and is really forcing me to see myself in new ways. Scary and hard, but so good.

The boys are doing amazing. They are growing so fast, and learning so much. Every day it seems they surprise us with a new skill, or new words. It’s incredible to watch. I won’t lie, there are some very challenging times. As much as I love my kids, and as much as I wanted them (and still do!), it is not all sunshine and rainbows. In the midst of a full on tantrum, I can look at one of them and wonder, “what the hell do I do now?” To me, this stage is the most difficult of any (so far). But there are also times when I look at their sweet faces or they do something so cute/funny/amazing, and I just can’t believe how lucky I am to be their Mom. So, so, so lucky.

So, life is good. And I am so tired!

All I can say

2009…thank goodness that’s over.

On to 2010! Happy New Year, everyone! Wishing you peace and happiness in the coming year.

Two Years

of wedded bliss! Happy Anniversary, honey. You are still my favorite person!

Perspective

There have been a few things lately that I’ve been really struggling with. Last week an online friend lost her baby at 25 weeks. It’s her 3rd loss, but the furthest along. I am so sad for her and for her family. I just can’t believe how cruel life can be sometimes. They’ve been trying for several years and dealing with IF. Then to get so close. It’s just not fair.

Yesterday we had some more really bad news. A dear family friend who’s been dealing with cancer just found out that the aggressive chemo and radiation, and surgery last week did not eliminate all the cancer from her body. It has spread to her lymph nodes. Apparently, they did the most aggressive treatment and only got 30% of the cancer. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the likelihood of her not being around much longer. She is so young and vital, and she is one of the most beautiful people (inside & out) that I know. It’s just unbelievable.

I don’t know how to reconcile these situations in my heart. They go against every belief that I have about being a good person and finding meaning in life. I don’t even know where to begin. And I guess that I’ve been here for a while with our IF. But this certainly gives me a little perspective on what I am dealing with. I am holding my family a little closer today. And my heart is just broken.

Share

I make things. At least I dream about making things. Usually that’s about as far as it goes. But I’ve been meaning to share a couple mixed media pieces I made for loved ones this Christmas.

This one is for a family friend that is currently going through chemo and radiation treatments and soon, surgery to remove cancer on her lung. It’s very serious and I just keep thinking about how scary that would be. How I would feel and what I would need to hear during such a difficult time. I keep coming back to one thing. Something that I struggle with on a daily basis… Hope. So, this was my gift to her. Hoping that it would comfort her just a little.

And this one I made for my Momma just because she’s cute.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. We are off to our foster parent class tomorrow. I’ll give you a little more details on how all that is going, maybe next week.

Hi

How are you? I’m good thanks.

I’ve been busy with all kinds of things lately. Trying to keep my mind off of which cycle day it is (CD 8 if you were curious). We are remodeling a bathroom right now and I’m in the process of picking tile, fixtures, etc. I am terrible at this. There are just too many choices. We spent all day on Saturday looking at tile for the shower and I couldn’t make up my mind. We already have the floor tile. We used it in our kitchen previously. The house was built in 1952, and in keeping with the era I was kind of thinking white subway tiles. What do you think? If you have any examples of tile showers that you love, please send them my way!

Then on Sunday morning our car stopped running. Dave had to replace the power steering pump. We ended up not being able to get all the parts we needed in town and had to order one of them. So, we were out of a car until last night. I’m so happy that my husband is uber-capable. It’s reassuring to know that he can handle whatever comes our way.

Now we are just waiting for this weekend when we finish up our last two PRIDE Pre-Service classes for foster care. I have yet to really get started on the mountain of paperwork involved. It’s pretty daunting. We still have a little time though. There is one more class we have to take for CPR/First-Aid. Then things like TB tests, fingerprinting and that paperwork. One step at a time!

I’m heading into the RE’s office on Monday for my follicle check. Hoping for some good news. This cycle is going by pretty fast, for which I am grateful. Probably because we are so busy.

Crazy life

I’ve been meaning to post for a few days and let you know how things are going, but some things came up. We are flying back to Arizona tomorrow. My Mother-in-Law passed away on Friday morning. It was not totally unexpected because of her health, but happened a lot faster than anyone thought it would. Fortunately we were just there a week ago and were able to spend a good amount of time with her and let her know that we love her and hold good thoughts for her. She will be missed.

We decided to continue with our IUI since we were so close and then fly down for the memorial service this week. Our 2nd u/s was on Saturday morning. The sonographer told us that we had 1 follicle at 17.5. We’re not sure what happened to the 2nd one, but one is better than none! Their typical protocol is to wait until it’s at 18-20 and said we should come back on Monday for 3rd u/s and probably IUI on Tuesday. We told her about our situation and that we needed to fly down to Arizona on Monday or Tuesday and she told us to wait in the waiting room and she would talk to the doctor to see if there was anything they could do. The doctor said that we should go ahead and trigger. I was concerned about the egg being immature, but the sonographer said that they actually consider them mature at 15, but use 20 as a conservative guideline. I’m hoping that was the right call. They gave me a trigger shot and scheduled an appointment for the next morning (this morning).

The IUI went really well. DH’s count was well above the minimum (yay!) and I had good CM. We are hopeful that it will have a good outcome despite the stress and schedule we are under.

Now, I need to go pack so we can get on a plane tomorrow morning!

Goodbye and Hello

I can’t say that I’m sad to say goodbye to 2008. It’s been a hell of a year. After many months of thinking I would end the year the same way it began – in limbo, I am so relieved to be moving forward. Many disappointments this year, mostly relating to infertility. But there have been many good things too. I am married to the most wonderful person I have ever known. In November our country made a choice to believe in hope and change and in itself. I am comforted by the many connections I’ve made in blogland.

I have hope. And that is the best gift I can think of. Bring it on 2009. We are so ready.

Happy New Year! Thank goodness for new days, new years, and new chances.

Happy Holidays

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas or Happy (belated) Hanukkah. For all the girls that are TTC, I am hopeful that we will all find our babies this year. I’ll be toasting to that tomorrow.

Peace and Love.

Happy anniversay

My sweet husband,

This past year has taught me so much about who you are, and who we are together. In many, many ways it has been the best year of my life. Of course, we have had our struggles, but I am confident that we will get through them all and we will do it together. I am comforted by your strength, your care and your enduring support.

On this day, our first anniversary, I would like to tell you just a few of the ways you make me feel special.

You value my opinions and ideas.
You share your thoughts with me.
You care what the house looks like.
You like to have a beer and a burger with me.
You are always willing to help.
You rub my shoulders when they hurt.
You take on (more than) your share of the chores.
You want what I want.
You smile when you see me.
You really, truly see me.
You like my cooking.
Even when you don’t agree with me, you try to understand what I feel.
You are willing to go through all of this crap so that we can have a family.
You are strong and calm when I am not.
You listen when I just need to get it out.
You love the dogs.
You fix things.
You support my effort to live a more creative life.
You are always there when I need you. Always.
You get mad at yourself when you leave your wedding ring at home.
You put up with my indecisiveness about where to eat.
You spend time with me.

Yeah, you are pretty much the best husband in the world. I am such a lucky girl.

I love you so, so, so much. Forever and ever.