Well, hello.

Hello, friends. There are no words to describe how busy I have been. I knew that school would add a new element of crazy to my life, but I really had no idea what my baby becoming a toddler (2 toddlers!) would do. These kids are bananas, and I am one tired Mama.

Life is good, though. Really, really good.

I feel like school has changed me. It has opened me up in so many ways. Between the fog of new motherhood and the years of struggle to become a parent, I feel like I am finally starting to crack open the shell that has been surrounding me for so long. Much of that has to do with the program I am in at school.

For those that don’t know, I returned to finish my Bachelors degree after so many years of starting and stopping. I am close now. I plan on going on to get a Masters in psychology. Probably counseling of some kind. The year long program I am currently taking has required a lot of self examination, and is really forcing me to see myself in new ways. Scary and hard, but so good.

The boys are doing amazing. They are growing so fast, and learning so much. Every day it seems they surprise us with a new skill, or new words. It’s incredible to watch. I won’t lie, there are some very challenging times. As much as I love my kids, and as much as I wanted them (and still do!), it is not all sunshine and rainbows. In the midst of a full on tantrum, I can look at one of them and wonder, “what the hell do I do now?” To me, this stage is the most difficult of any (so far). But there are also times when I look at their sweet faces or they do something so cute/funny/amazing, and I just can’t believe how lucky I am to be their Mom. So, so, so lucky.

So, life is good. And I am so tired!

The story

I always thought I would breastfeed, but didn’t think I would really enjoy it. Honestly, it kind of weirded me out.

From the time Truman was born he was a good latcher. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was. I had heard the horror stories! The first few days went as expected. My milk wasn’t in, but we kept at it. He nursed non-stop those first few days, and he started to lose weight. We were expecting it, so didn’t worry much.

The evening of day 4 and Truman was almost frantic. We spent all night breastfeeding and he wasn’t getting satisfied. I knew it could take a while for my milk to come in, but we started to get concerned. He wasn’t having many bowel movements or wet diapers, and when he did have a wet diaper it had some orange colored cystals. After googling it, we suspected that he was getting dehydrated. DH called the after hours nurse line and they recommended we supplement with formula and get in to the doctor and lactation consultant (LC) the next day (day 5).

With the supplementation Truman was looking much better and starting to have an appropriate number of wet diapers. The Dr confirmed that he had lost over 10% of his birth weight. So we were off to the LC. She weighed Truman and then had me nurse him for about 10 minutes. She said our latch was perfect so that wasn’t the problem. After he ate she re-weighed him to find out how much milk he was getting… NONE. She had me pump on both sides to see if that would get any results. After 15 minutes of pumping there was a tiny (TINY) bit of colostrum on the breast shield, but I wasn’t producing ANYTHING. My poor baby was starving!

The LC told me that it was possible I would never produce enough milk to sustain him. She presented some information about PCOS and supply issues. I was devasted. The LC put me on a pumping regiment, showed us how to supplement at the breast so that Truman wouldn’t get used to bottles too soon, and sent us on our way with the hope that I would start making at least something. I cried all the way home.

The first day pumping (day 6) was less than encouraging. I pumped after every feeding for 10-15 minutes and barely got an ounce for the entire day. I was happy to be at least getting something, but still…ugh. And pumping is so not fun. I thought, there is no way I will keep this up for long. If something didn’t change, we’d switch to formula.

Now, I know that formula is not evil. Atticus eats formula and he is thriving. It wasn’t so much that he HAD to have breastmilk. I was actually ENJOYING breastfeeding him. I loved the way his little face looked at me as he nursed, and I loved that time together. And I felt like, at least I can have that the “normal” way. After all we had been through to get pregnant, I wasn’t expecting my body to fail me again.

I woke up on day 7 and to my surprise and relief, I was engorged! I continued supplementing and pumping for that day and the next, but slowly I was able to use what we pumped to supplement and then stopped supplementing completely. I still pump about once a day, but mostly just to build up a supply in the freezer for a trip I’m taking in a couple months (ARTFEST, yay!).

So, that’s the story of how I came to be our son’s sole source of food! We are almost 8 weeks in and I’m still loving it. It’s time consuming and exhausting sometimes, but I still love it. Watching Truman grow and get chubby is totally gratifying.

Sleep

I never really appreciated how much of an issue sleep could be until having kids. It is practically all I think about anymore…where to put them, how long will they sleep, when to get them to sleep and how, etc. And, yes, we co-sleep. It is what has worked best for us and our kids. They are happier and we all sleep better (usually). I realize it’s not for everyone, but it works for us.

Right now we have two sleep issues. Atticus took naps on me or next to me on the sofa until he was about 6 or 7 months. Then we tried the crib, but he would wake up after a few minutes and got really cranky. Then we put him in our bed and surrounded him with pillows so he couldn’t roll out and he slept great. I’m talking like a 1-2 hour nap in the morning and a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon – awesome!

Well, now he can crawl over the pillows and I’m afraid he’ll fall off the bed. So now I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried the crib again the last couple days but his naps are short and I usually have to let him cry for a few minutes first – ugh. And then he’s super fussy all afternoon due to less sleep. I literally don’t have the time to devote to sleep training right now and feel horribly guilty/sad when he has to cry for a little while before I can get to him. I’m actually thinking about putting our mattress on the floor for now, so if he does crawl off it’s no big deal (ie. no head injury).

Then there’s Truman. He pretty much wakes up whenever he is not on one of us. He naps the same way Atti did when he was this age. Of course the problem now is that I have two of them and I have to put him down frequently, but we make it work. With Truman, the real issue is night-time. Since he has to sleep with one of us, it has either been in bed or one of us on the sofa. But our sweet True is a groaner/grunter. Like LOUD. In bed he keeps me awake some because I’m worried about him waking Atticus up. And sometimes he does. On the sofa, neither of us sleep as well. Sometimes DH will sleep on the sofa with him to give me a break. I’m really hoping he out grows the grunting soon, lol.